“New Day” – Karnivool

I was sad that I lost him. But you know there’s always hope. And he needed time for himself. So I thought about everything from his point of view and I was okay. I let him go for a little bit today and I went out with friends and I was able to have fun. I told him I loved him and that I was sorry and I told him goodbye. And I told myself it’s what was best for him and I was okay.

But the worst thing ever to happen to the emotional states of newly single individuals was social media.

I shouldn’t have done it, but I thought I was okay. He needs to fix himself he says. He can’t date anyone he says. He messes everyone up he says. He only told Dan he says. He’s too busy during the week he says. He doesn’t think it’s a good idea to hang out on Halloween…

I want to believe him. I almost need to believe him. But I can’t.

He just shut down out of the blue! I kept thinking and replaying. He asked for time once and he got an entire month and I ask for time and I get a week and then he shows up and decides then that he doesn’t want us anymore. It didn’t make any sense, but now it does.

He’s single and he can do what he wants. But man. My whole body is like vibrating- like a hollow vibrating. I realized that she was comforting him and he wasn’t telling me and I froze. I felt nothing but the throbbing radiating from my chest slowly making it’s way through my body. And then the sadness hit. I cried. There weren’t many tears, just a few burning ones rolling down my cheeks. I didn’t make any noise either but my head was bursting with it. “Not again” “I knew she didn’t want us together, I could feel it” “what have I done” “he used to talk to me like that” “no wonder, she’s everything he says he wants”…and then it changes again. From grief to betrayal and the hollow inside me was full of thick heat all of a sudden. I could feel it pulsing through my veins, through my chest and gut and teeth and eyes and legs and toes. No wonder. No wonder she stopped talking to me. No wonder I wasn’t invited anywhere. No wonder he never told me they were good friends. No wonder…

I could feel my heart pounding but everything was slowing down. My body, my thoughts, the air… Because it was her. She’s why all of a sudden. She’s the little bird in his ear that says, “She’s bad for you. You should be happy. She’s dragging you down.” and he listened. And he fell asleep on the phone with her two days ago. And I had hoped that I would hear his breathing and tell him “babe wake up” and when he didn’t send him a text before hanging up telling him I loved him and goodnight so his phone wouldn’t go off and wake him up once I ended the call. But in that instant I realized that there was no hope because he chose her. Whether to date or not, he chose her over me and that’s what he wants. And now there is nothing to do but get over him. I sat motionless and let the pain work it’s way through my body and mind. It hurts just as much as when I lost Spencer but different because the hope is gone. It’s a very calm, deadening sadness. My tears weren’t so hot it seemed but that might have been because my face was colder also. I lost him. I had so many chances and I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t do it for him. And he deserves to be happy because I couldn’t do it.

I listed everything I could have done differently in my head. Like flipping through a rolodex slowly at first but then so fast I couldn’t read the writing anymore. I texted her and told her to take care of him. I hated myself. But the more I thought about all the ways I messed up, the more I realized that I really could have stopped this and I started to get angry.

My heart beat faster and with every thump my anger changed to something else. I could stop this. Stop being sad and stop failing and start living again. I could do it. I can do it. I feel my heart beating and I realize I’m still alive and I’m 24 years old and I don’t have to do this to myself anymore. I’m so mad I can’t even be scared that I won’t make it and that I’ll mess up again because DAMMIT I DID NOT LOSE HIM FOR NOTHING. He always said that him leaving would put me on the right path and I didn’t want to believe him but fuck man I guess he was right. He’s always right. I love him. But I have to love myself and that will start by loving others. Screw my past. Everyone has shit in their life and I’ll just have to learn how to be a big girl and get the fuck over it and fucking learn from it. I refuse to be my mother. I refuse to be alone. I refuse to continue being so damn selfish. So FUCK I’m going to do something crazy. I’m going to live my damn life. And I’ll get over this. And if my friends can’t forgive me I’ll make new friends. I’m going to forgive Spencer and get over my stupid jealousy and hope that she’ll even consider forgiving me. I’m going to do something every fucking day that’s good for me. Starting right fucking now. Right now. Now.

“New Day”

How did they find me?
How did they know?
This misconception of fate
I’m about to let go

Awake in a new light, I’m
Alone in this room
Heavy at heart, it may be a lie
You will not see me

It’s a new day
(Why did they follow me home?)
It’s a new day

One
More
Step, it’s
Here waiting for you, now
Go
Slow, take your time

Leave
No
Mark
You lost your way
I hope you’re watching me

One
More
Step, it’s
Here waiting for you, now
Go
Slow, take your time

Celebrating
For the one so free
You lost your way
No-one held you back from me

How do you all
Speak
With a lying tongue?
How do we all
Sleep
With a dying sun?

Sit down
Lighten your own
This storm is coming
You should stay home
But I feel warm

Hey, let’s get lost in the crowd, while
Searching for something worth holding
Hey, let’s get still lost in the crowd
I’ll show you so much more
Much more
So much more
So much more

Are we waiting?
For the savior?
Someone to heal this
Or erase us

How did they find me?
How did they know?
This misconception of fate
I’m about to let go

Awake in a new light, I’m
Alone in this room
Heavy at heart, it may be a lie
You will not see me

It’s a new day
It’s a new day
It’s a new day

Are we waiting?
For the savior?
I’m so sick of waiting
I’ve been waiting my whole life

This is a new day
This is a new day
This is a new day

It’s almost unfair. 

you know time is short and there are two choices. make the most of what’s left and have the hurt cut you deeper when it’s over or let them go now and miss out on everything you could have shared.